I have a theory that the reason women are (anecdotally) becoming more predatory in seeking out sexual encounters is because it’s now against the law to have pubic hair.
Ok, maybe not actually against the law, but among young Western humans it seems to have become more or less standard to find hair in the female nether regions pretty repulsive. Cherry Healey (on her programme about body hair) asked a bunch of males whether they would prefer to break their foot or have sex with a female with pubes and they chose the former option. That’s pretty compelling evidence that women may feel obliged to pre-pubertify their privates if they’re hoping to have some normal human relations at some point.
And therein lies the rub. (Oh, horrible phrase – sorry!) Hair removal down there is not something that you can just do in 2 minutes in the shower with a Bic razor like you can with legs and underarms and a little bit of your bikini line for swimming costume purposes. No indeed. If you feel obliged to sport the whole pre-pubescent look in order not to repulse the delicate male of your sinful dreams, it’ll set you back anything from £20-£30 a go (possibly more if you live somewhere more sophisticated than I do). And you’ll need to take time out of your busy day to go and reveal your most personal parts to a stranger with an NVQ in Beauty at least once every few weeks.
But even if you can afford that without qualms, the problems don’t stop there. Human skin doesn’t remain baby’s bum soft and hair free until the next wax. Oh no. No such luck. You start getting itchy re-growth fairly shortly after the wax-based humilation, and after a few more days there is very definite, uncomfortable and unattractive stubble. But you can’t go for another wax until the hair is actually long enough for the wax to grip onto. And if you try to shave, you get an inferior finish and delay the day when you can go for a more efficient wax… can you see the problem here? Basically, you can only have a socially acceptable pubic region about twice a month at best.
So, that’s why I reckon girls have (theoretically) started to be more forceful in their mating activities. If you’ve paid £25 to make yourself acceptable to a male who thinks women are made of sugar and spice and all things plastic – and you only have one day every few weeks in optimum mateworthy condition – you are damn well going to want value for money. You are going to go out and pull yourself a breeder and nothing is going to get in your way. It’s the modern human equivalent of being on heat, only briefer. And it totally undermines one of the chief benefits of being a female human as opposed to say, a dog or an elk – the fact that biologically we can mate at any time of the year – not just when we’re on heat. All of a sudden, thanks to pube-fear, we can’t.
I am convinced that the fashion for porn-based pube regions must ironically lead to less sex not more. Boys won’t have sex with girls with hair, girls can only be hairless twice a month at the most. So twice a month it is. Sounds pretty rubbish to me.
Not only that… how does it bode for long-term relationships? What about when you’ve been together with your loved one for a few years; you’re both working full time to pay your mortgage and you’ve got a couple of small children? What happens when you no longer have the time/money/energy to go and have your follicles abused? What happens when you no longer feel sexy because you’re a hairy freak and your loved one passes out in horror at the sight of your humanity? Will you both have to go and be hypnotised to be able to tolerate your hideousness? Will you have to attend sex therapy to explain how human bodies actually look? Will sex stop altogether? Will partnerships dissolve and families disintegrate through the horror of the pube? Will the human race die out?
I call for a PUBIC REVIVAL. Before it’s too late.